Nothing new here

It’s been a year since we moved and I haven’t done anything in the way of business since then. Sure, I did three small craft shows late last year, early this year and made a couple of new things for those shows. But, I have not really sat down to make anything for the pure enjoyment of creating, in over a year. I feel lost, empty, incomplete. I took some time off this year to take up Real Estate, but that has not gone well. I went through the courses and took the licensing exam twice, but can’t manage to pass it. I was hoping the income from that could help toward building my craft business. It doesn’t look like that will be happening any time soon.

I’m coming to terms with reality about my life; what I want, and what it is. I am a wife and a mother. I never thought that would be my identity. I thought I would be identified as myself for my accomplishments, not my relationship to others. While I love my family and being this wife and mother, I feel like I do not have an identity of my own. I am lost. I am still figuring out who I am, where I belong, what my purpose is.

I live my life for other people, to meet their needs, but there is no time for myself; for me to persue my goals, dreams, ambitions, desires. Not much time for hobbies anymore either. I need to take time out for me but it never seems to be available. Someone always needs me. Being needed is a reassuring feeling. Having no identity of my own is not.

My business seems to have an expiration date stamped on it, and it is quickly approaching. It makes me feel like a part of me is dying and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. There is no cure. I have to let it die with dignity, so I keep my mouth shut and silently fall to pieces knowing that my dream will never be a reality, regardless of how close I may have been in the past. So, I will quietly let it rest peacefully and try to relish that I had the wonderful opportunity in the first place.